Lying in bed I realize why I find it so difficult to wear an all black outfit. Not because of stereotyping people who wear black such as goths or emos or whoever else wears dark outfits, but because of my unresolved fear of the dark.
This is a fear I have had since I was a child. I have never outgrown it completely. At one point I thought I had overcome it and no one was hiding in my room and those shadows from my bookcase weren’t in fact a person creeping up on me. I just not comfortable with being alone in the dark. I think it was exacerbated by the fact that my dad was shot and I have never felt safe on my own from that day on. I think perhaps that I’m ultimately afraid of losing people and not having any one to turn to and keep me feeling safe and secure.
This may come across a bit immature, but I am a person who is independent and enjoys my own company, however when it comes to the feeling of safety and security I don’t ever believe I will truly feel comfortable on my own at night.
It may also be due to the situation in the country we live in and the crime and violence around us, but maybe my inner child will never come to grips with the “monsters in my head” and the ones I have not yet conquered.
Today I walked along the beach in my all black “outfit”. Dark shorts, black top, black sandals. Argh, I felt like some weird species. Everyone else was in light, fresh and really beach-friendly coloured clothing. I found I was hot most of the day and just wanted to get out of the sun. I hate that people are now viewing me as this dark emo character, because this in fact is nothing like me. My boyfriend told me not to worry because he at least was wearing bright colours so it makes up for both of us! But in a way this makes me feel like I stand out even more! This dark, strange character is next to this blonde, tanned and “colourful” person. I felt that everyone must thinking that he is dating a very contrasting looking character :P